I have started writing again. Nothing for publication (yet and not counting this).
I usually complain that I don’t have enough time to write or by the time my work day is done (assuming I have given myself a hard stop which I admit I am horrible at) my brain is so tired from making so many tiny decisions and a few big ones that come with running an organization, and my brain is so tired from writing emails, grant applications, and grant reports. To be creative or to be thoughtful or to piece words together after a day of cautiously and meticulously choosing words to be clear and direct and reflective of my values feels impossible.
Oh but I have feelings.
The last six months of my life have been filled with so much joy. Music, food, and dancing in my backyard, tickets to Puerto Rico, Bomba, reconnecting with my adult child. Community building.
The last six months of my life have also been filled with so much loss. Three deaths of people I was close to , two family members and one friend and no funeral I could attend. The end of my longest relationship to date and the realization that I will never get the closure I want. Canceled trips and so much death and desperation in my face daily. In our collective faces daily. How do I make space for the mourning that needs to happen, the ritual, the rites?
Tonight is the summer solstice and I have already- taking the advice, co-workers, friends, coaches, and a therapist that I need to slow down, make space for what I want in this new season. That means letting go of the things I cannot control so that space can exist and I can fill that space or allow it to be filled with what I need and desire.
I’ve been writing again – looking back at old projects, starting news ones. It feels good. It feels healing and I know this may not be where or how I expected to be but it is where and how I need to be.
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