I thought that choosing what to keep, what to toss, and what to bring to my new home would make me sad. I thought I would wallow in nostalgia of what I had hoped my life would be like in this place that my ex purchased for us. Instead I am calm and feel accomplished with every box I seal, every bag I toss, every frame I take off the wall. I thought I would be mourning the loss of that expectation of hetero normative cohabitation. I also expected anger to seep in as soon as my ex arrived to pack his things as we slowly empty these rooms where there were glimpses of joy, where I hosted his friends for drinks and dinner in our yard surrounded by orange trees, a lemon tree and an avocado tree. But instead there was a new way of seeing how pent up hurt could be misappropriated and that wasn’t sad but disappointing. Ay as humans how we have detached and compartmentalized from the deepest wounds. That is kind of sad.
But instead it feels like a deep inhale taking it all in, all the molecules of memory. Holding that inside me for a moment, letting my body discern what it is from those molecules that I need and then releasing everything I don’t – the waste from internal work so that it may serve some other purpose, out of my control. I let that go.
It feels empty but in a away that invites possibility. Like the empty rooms of my new apartment where I get to decide what, who is allowed in, including the version of me that I will allow to reside there. What colors I will allow to flourish. It is spacious enough for me to grow in. What and how I will feed myself. What songs I will sing to echo against the walls so that the spirits will remind me that I am home wherever my body is.
There will be things I miss. I will miss morning coffee on the porch that I shared in the mornings with hummingbirds and two tall palm trees waving their fronds in greeting. I will miss the chittering of the birds, the constant crow of the corner roosters calling me to wake up over and over again. The wild flock of parrots that caw a song of freedom and survival. The view of Downtown Los Angeles reminding me how far and how close I am from home all at the same time.
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